I don’t really have a plan for this post. I’ve just sat down at my computer and I’m just going to write, structureless and freeeeee and maybe what I’m trying to say will come across in a way that makes sense. I’ve been rather MIA for the last 6 months or so on here and my youtube and me hitting 3,000 subscribers today (WHAAAAT?!?!?) made me think that maybe y’all deserve a nice little update on my life as well as a possibly motivational possibly helpful little something for all you lovely people who take time out of your day to listen/read what I have to say.
I’ve done a few lifestyle posts before, in fact they’re my favourite posts to write. I like to think I’m someone my friends come to for advice. My life has been rather hectic and I feel like my friends seek comfort in the fact that I might have some insight in what it’s like to go through something and come out the other side. Two different types of struggles for me, and I think for life in general, are personal struggle and other peoples struggle that affects you. Personal struggle is struggling with something within yourself and other people’s is something that affects a family member or someone around you that in turn affects you. Does this make sense? Anyway… my friends and people who know me will know I’ve had plenty of the latter. Without getting too personal, my mother’s illness is something that took my whole family on an emotional roller coaster and blindsided us all. Not much of this is relevant except in trying to contrast that experience to the last few months. Dealing with other people’s struggle is something very different to getting to grips with your own journey, which is what I’ve had began confronting this year.
Adjusting to life with someone who is critically ill is a process that takes time and is never ‘normal’ but eventually becomes manageable- unfortunately, learning to find comfort in myself has proved equally painful. It’s not something you work towards to find an end goal- it’s something that constantly changes and you have to deal with things as they arise and as your life constantly moves in different directions. It’s frustrating because it feels as if there’s no final closure. I guess that is what people mean when they tell you life is a journey not a destination. Wow, we went from 0 to cheesy real quick. So I suppose this year was a year for me to work on me and learn about myself. Having reached a point where life became manageable with the people I love around me, this year has been about finding out about me.
Sparked by a situation earlier this year I felt disorientated and a little bit lost. The feeling of darkness that people describe when speaking of things like depression, anxiety or low mood etc. was something I didn’t even recognise until someone offered me a helping hand. It took the people I love shaking me up for me to realise that a) I needed a bit of help and b) there was hope. I felt ugly, fat, worthless, lonely, boring, sad, numb, ambivalent… I can’t even describe it accurately- it’s such a strange mix of emotions. Even worse, they were so subconsciously drilled into me that I didn’t even know I was viewing myself in this way or feeling like this. Trying to articulate it to someone else was the first time it really sunk in. I felt powerless, like someone had pulled the rug from underneath my feet and life and left me completely winded and gasping for (metaphorical… obviously) breath.
So now, I guess, is the part of the post where I tell you things are looking up. Things may not be perfect (are they ever?) but they are x5million better than I could have imagined two or three months ago. I still have moments of negativity where I feel alone and like no one is around to lift me up but I also have moments of inspiration, motivation and feeling peaceful with myself and life, after all, is all about balance.
Anywhooo, the past is the past and a line is drawn under it to make way for a more positive future. If you’re struggling with anything related to mental health I urge you to find someone to talk to about it: your parents, your siblings, your partner, your friend, a counsellor…anyone. You really do start your own journey and progress when you verbalise those horrible feelings that so far you’ve only allowed to live inside of your head. When someone else acknowledges it, it’s as if you make it real, and when it’s real you feel less like you’re being ridiculous or pathetic and more able to ask for the help you can finally acknowledge you need.
If I’m ever slacking with blogging and YouTubing, then nag me to keep going! It’s easy to slip back into a bubble but hopefully blogging and youtube will preoccupy me with the positive vibes from doing something I love and all of you wonderful people who spur me on.
Apologies to those who follow me for beauty and fashion things, let me know what you’d like to see, or if you like these personal posts.
Lots and lots of love to everyone who had followed me recently and from the beginning, It really does make my day when I get the notifications. It’s like a little positive boost every time it hits my inbox.